Broken
by Elimere
Summary: When the ones you love break your heart, destroy you in ways your enemies never could, are you ever able to recover? Can you get back that part of yourself they took? Contains traces of Jori. WARNING: Contains material referencing and including self harm. DO NOT read if this offends or could trigger emotional problems.
1. Betrayed

**Betrayed**

I stood by my locker and tapped a foot impatiently. In one hand I held a coffee, in the other was my Pearphone. I smiled fondly at the picture displayed and brushed my thumb over the face of the girl I was waiting for.  
She liked me. The dark, sarcastic, beautiful, raven-haired girl _actually_ liked me. Whether she would admit it or not, I didn't care. She liked me, and that was all I ever wanted.  
I absentmindedly took a sip of the coffee in my hand and grimaced, completely forgetting that it was for her. Very bitter, with the slightest hint of sweetness. It mirrored her completely.

I heard the doors open and looked up. A grin spread across my face as I recognized the curled black locks. She glanced at me for a second before diverting her eyes the ground, a scowl on her face. Her body language told me she was walled off, hidden away and was not to be messed with.  
I sighed. I'd thought this might happen. She could try to deny it, she could try push me away, but I wasn't going to give in. I wasn't going to let her shut herself off. And I _wasn't_ going anywhere.  
I started walking towards her, a warm smile still on my face.  
What happened next made me stop dead in my tracks. It wasn't the sudden appearance of the boy that made me freeze; he was still our friend and couldn't be avoided forever. It had nothing to do with the fact that I had strong feelings for his ex-girlfriend that made me panic the instant he walked through the door. It was his actions.  
Beck stopped behind Jade. He hadn't seen me standing a few feet away from her.  
The second he put his arm around her shoulder, the smile fell from my face.

_What?_ They had broken up months ago and were still on shaky ground. Neither spoke to the other much anymore. What was going on?

He smiled down at her and placed a kiss on the top of her head. Jade flinched, but otherwise ignored his presence. Her gaze was still at her feet, arms folded over her chest, as if she was trying to protect herself.  
I felt my heart beat faster.  
_No._ My breath was becoming shorter as I began to panic.  
_No!_ I shook my head and took an involuntary step backwards, realizing what was happening.  
Beck placed his hand under Jades chin and turned her face to his.  
_No..._ Tears blurred my vision, but didn't prevent me from seeing the horror play out.  
He leaned down and placed a kiss on Jades lips.  
_No!_ I couldn't tear my eyes away as I stepped back, shaking my head.  
_No no no no no no no NO!_

"No..." I whispered, letting the contents in my hands slip from my fingers.  
Jades eyes were closed as Beck kissed her. The frown never left her face, but she didn't push him away. The pain hit my chest and I took in a breath, only to let it out a second later in a loud sob. The bitter sweet coffee I had bought for the girl I worshipped, hit the ground, spilling its contents in an instant and, along with the sound of my phone clattering, covered my cry.  
Both sets of eyes turned to me. My chest _ached_. I watched them as an empty feeling slithered into the place that previously held my heart. I felt like I had been punched.  
I continued staggering backward, my eyes wide, as a look of confusion came over Beck's face. He obviously had no idea as to why I would be so upset. Jade wouldn't look at me, a blank expression hid her real feelings. She was always a good actress, while I was easier to read than a book.  
I stared at her, unable to stop the hurt from showing. My back hit the wall and I pressed myself against it.

"Tori?" Beck stepped toward me, letting go of Jade. "What's wrong?"

I merely shook my head, ignoring him completely, unable to form words in my head, let alone speak the unbearable anguish I felt.

"Beck and I are back together." Jade said, her voice lacking emotion. She didn't look at me when she spoke. She just stood there.

_This is not happening..._ The pain in my chest increased. Why was she doing this?  
A heavy feeling slipped down my throat, through my chest, into my stomach and I collapsed to the ground, hugging my knees. I felt like someone had ripped me open and torn my insides out.  
Beck looked from Jade, to me, and back again.

"Jade? What's going on? What did you do?" At this accusation, Jades eyes flicked to her ex- no, not ex, her _boyfriend_.

"Nothing!" She snapped harshly.

"Jade." He warned.

"Beck, shut up! It's none of your business! Nothing happened! It meant _nothing_!" She yelled, her voice raising an octave.

_Nothing? It meant nothing? _I_ meant nothing?!_ I ignored the tears still pouring down my face and stopped sobbing, having gained the needed confidence to face her.  
I was _hurt_. I was _heart-broken_. I was _not_ nothing!

I stood up, anger spurring me on and strode past Beck. He reached out for me but I simply brushed past him and right up to Jade. She looked at me in shock. I could see the fear in her face. Was she afraid of me? Did she think I would tell her boyfriend that she'd kissed me? _Would_ I tell him? I didn't know at that point. I was running on pure jealousy and rage.

Without thinking, my hand swung out and struck the side of her face with a deafening snap. I didn't wait for either of them to react, I simply walked past her and out of the school, not looking back.


	2. Breaking Point

**Breaking Point**

Why did they have to take away my scissors? Couldn't they have left me some implement to release the agony I felt?  
I dumped the contents of my desk draw onto the floor of my bedroom. It was a futile effort I knew, but I still held the hope that something had been missed as I shoved things aside, digging through my possessions.

_Nothing!_ I flinched at the word, remembering how only hours before it had brought me severe pain.  
I sighed and collapsed to the ground, looking at the mess in front of me. Clothes, books, pencils, paper, everything had been pulled out of its place and tossed onto the floor. All in vain. I couldn't find a single pair of scissors. No sharpener. Not even a lighter was to be found in my bedroom.  
I gripped fistfuls of hair and pulled painfully as I let out another sob.

"Why?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I didn't care if someone heard me. Not that there _was_ anyone to hear me. Trina was still at school. Where my parents were I had no clue. So much for keeping an eye on their juvenile delinquent. They take away my scissors, they lock up the knives but don't give a _damn_ about the reason behind the mutilation? They didn't care. No one did. Not anymore.  
I looked around the room again and before I gave up, my eyes landed on the door joining my bedroom to the bathroom.

_Of course!_ I jumped up and practically sprinted to the small room. Inside the first draw under the sink, I found what I was looking for: a brand new packet of disposable razor blades. My saviour!  
I dashed back into my bedroom and made sure to lock the doors behind me. I did _not_ want to be walked in on. Not again.  
I tried to pry the blades out of their casing with my nails but only ended up with small paper-cut sized splits on my fingers. I tried smacking the things against my carpeted floor, with even less promising results. Frustration threatened to overwhelm me again, and I threw the thing across the room, yelling out more curses than I knew was in my vocabulary.  
Sighing, I realized there was really only one way to break the thing. Slipping out of my room, I hurried back downstairs and outside. After making sure no one was spying on me, I grabbed the hammer before heading back to smash the thing to pieces.

I put the hammer down and picked up one of the thin blades, looking it over. It was slightly bent, but it would do. I wasn't going to kill myself, I didn't have a death wish. But the pain...  
I clawed at my chest as another panic attack threatened to take me over. Quickly I rolled up my sleeves to reveal my scar ridden arms. I ran my thumb over them, marvelling at the feeling of the tiny bumps under my fingertips, the simple act sending warmth to my stomach.  
I had never used a razor blade to cut before, so I was a little worried about going too far. I lightly pressed the blade against my skin and slid it slowly across my wrist. A small white mark was left, but I was extremely disappointed at the lack of pain caused by the thin piece of metal. Again I tried, pressing harder this time. I could see it had gone deeper, but no blood escaped. I wondered if the scars were preventing it from working. Swapping to the other arm, I pressed the blade into my skin, harder this time and I could feel the pressure it caused. I sliced it across. Again, I felt nothing.  
My panic attack was getting worse. I cried, I sobbed, I yelled until my voice was hoarse. I tried cutting my arms up again, and again, and again to no avail.  
Pure fear coursed through my shaking body and my breath caught in my throat as cried. I couldn't breathe! My throat had closed off! I tried to suck in air but found it blocked. I could still breath out, but not in!  
I pulled at my shirt, aware that it was not strangling me, but yanked it off anyway, leaving me in nothing but my bra. My vision was becoming clouded, and I bent over on all fours, trying desperately to breathe. It took less than a second for my airway to open up and precious oxygen filled my lungs. I took a deep breath and the attack began to subside.  
I sat back with relief and closed my eyes, feeling the tears run onto my bare chest as I cried quietly. And then it happened. A sharp ache hit both of my arms at once, making me jump. I looked at my arms and was shocked to find them covered in small cuts. Blood seeped out the wounds, faster than I would have expected and I could feel the sharp stinging sensation of each and every one.  
The pain in my chest dulled and I sighed in relief, glad to finally feel some release. It would be back, sooner than I would like, but at least for a few minutes I could enjoy the numbness.  
I lay down on top of the pile of clothes and watched the red liquid trickle down my arms. It was interesting to watch, the red waterfall of precious liquor, flowing with such beauty I was not aware existed.  
And then I noticed it: none of the cuts seemed to be healing. I started to wonder if I'd made too many.

My head felt light. This made me happy. My arms were numb. My chest was numb. The pain from earlier gone. I let out a strangled laugh as I remembered that my phone was still sitting on the floor of the school.

"Oops." I giggled. "Maybe Beck will see the photo of Jade kissing me and break up with her." I laughed at that. She deserved it. She made me fall in love with her, then threw me away like I was a piece of rubbish.  
I laughed again and turned onto my back.

"I can see the stars..." I mumbled, closing my eyes and pointing to the ceiling. As the blood from my arm hit my face, it occurred me that I was probably going to die.

_Oh well. At least she can't hurt me anymore._ I thought.  
The last thing I heard before passing out, was a quiet pounding. Damn.


End file.
